Faith & community · Evangelism Training
How to talk to someone who left the church: practice with Ben in your dorm
Start with curiosity, not a rebuttal: ask what happened and listen to the whole story, especially the hurt. Acknowledge real failures by churches and Christians without defending them, share your own experience briefly and honestly if they want to hear it, and respect where they land. Practice a late-night dorm talk with Ben, your roommate, who left church in high school over hypocrisy.
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Updated October 2026
Who it's for
Who this practice is for
- A college ministry student whose roommate stopped going to church and you don't know how to bring it up.
- A small group leader who wants to listen to a friend's story about leaving church without jumping in to defend.
- Anyone whose friend grew up in church, walked away in high school, and says church people were hypocrites.
- You, at 1 a.m. in a dorm room, wanting to say something honest without turning it into a debate.
What happens
How a session goes
- You start the conversation with Ben in your dorm room late at night.
- Ben has his own story and views. He talks about growing up in church and walking away in high school because of hypocrisy.
- At the end, Ben honestly says where he lands. He is never forced into agreement.
Real lines from a test session
What Ben said in a test session
“Yeah, it has been a while. Finals week kind of took over everything. Good to just sit and breathe for a minute, you know? What's on your mind?”
“Man, I don't know. It's complicated. I just got tired of all the fake smiles and people acting holy on Sunday then living completely different the rest of the week. Saw too much.”
“My youth leader who gave these amazing talks? Found out he was cheating on his wife. Nobody said a word about it, just swept it under the rug.”
From a test session of this practice in the app, lightly trimmed. Your session goes its own way: the character reacts to what you say.
You go first
Ways to open
- “Can I ask you something? You grew up going to church, right? What happened?”
- “I'm not trying to convert you. I'm curious what turned you off.”
- “Honestly, some church people have hurt me too.”
Example first lines to adapt. Fill in the brackets with your own details.
The scorecard
What the scorecard looked like for Ben, who left church
“Honestly, I’ve been wanting to ask—what happened with you and church?”
This was your only substantive turn and it was purely a question; you never got to listen to his answer or share anything yourself.
Try instead: “Honestly, I've been wanting to ask—what happened with you and church? I know I've seen people hurt by it, and I'm sorry if that was part of your story.”
What went well: Your warm, personal opener ('Hey man, it’s good to finally catch up') set a non-confrontational tone that invites honesty.
Real scorecard output from one of our test runs. In test runs the practice answers are written by a test script, not by a customer.
What good looks like
What a strong answer does here
- You ask about Ben's story and let him finish before you respond.
- You acknowledge real hypocrisy in churches without defending everything at all costs.
- You share your own faith briefly and honestly, without pressure for Ben to come back.
- You respect his boundaries when he says he's done with church, and you don't argue.
Scored on:
- Clarity
- Compassion
- Listening
- Respect for boundaries
Common mistakes
Weak lines, and what to say instead
Weak: “But not all churches are like that. You can't judge God by people.”
Better: “That sounds really painful. I'm sorry people who were supposed to care for you did that. Can you tell me more?”
Defending the church first skips over his hurt and makes him feel unheard.
Weak: “You just need to find a better church. Want to come with me Sunday?”
Better: “I'm not trying to get you back in a building. I just want to hear what it was like for you.”
Pushing him to return ignores his story and adds pressure he didn't ask for.
Weak: “I get it. I've had doubts too, but I prayed and God showed me the truth.”
Better: “I've had my own questions. I don't have all the answers, but I'd like to hear yours.”
Making it about your solved doubts can sound like you're not listening to his.
Weak: “You know the youth leader was wrong, but you shouldn't leave the whole faith.”
Better: “What your youth leader did was wrong. I'm angry about that too. Tell me how it affected you.”
Agreeing the hurt was real builds trust; telling him what to do with his faith does not.
Talk With a Friend Who Left the Church: start talking in a few seconds. Your own side stays yours to fill in.
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Your evangelism training practice plan
- Listen to the person’s real concerns
- Explain your beliefs clearly
- Respect boundaries and disagreement
Start with a free worksheet, then test your own response with a voice or text roleplay. Your first complete coaching report is free once across all areas. Create a free account to save your goal, actual words, and downloadable notes.
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FAQ
Questions about Ben, who left church
Who is Ben and why did he leave church?
Ben is your college roommate, about 20. He grew up in church and walked away in high school. He thinks church people were hypocrites. In the practice, he shares his own story and views, and at the end he honestly says where he lands. He is never forced into agreement with you. Try it free →
Will Ben try to argue with me or make me defend my faith?
Ben has his own story and views, and he will push back in his own way. But he is not there to trap you. The practice rewards curiosity about his story, acknowledging real hypocrisy, sharing your own faith briefly and honestly, and no pressure for him to come back. Defending the church at all costs gets penalized. Try it free →
How do I respond when someone says Christians are hypocrites?
Agree where it’s true. “You’re right, I’ve seen it too, and I’m sorry it hurt you” builds more trust than a defense. Then ask what happened. If they want to know why you still believe, share your own reasons honestly and briefly, without making their story wrong. Try it free →
Should I invite someone who left the church to come back?
Only if the conversation gets there and it feels like an open invitation, not pressure. Listening to their story first matters more than any invitation. Many people who leave want their questions taken seriously before anything else, and a friendship that continues either way speaks louder. Try it free →
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